Five little things you can do each day
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| art by Chase Summers-Perry |
Five little things
you can try
to transform your life one day at a time.
(While
written to myself as a parent who needs a less than subtle reminder, I believe
these will work for anybody not living in a cave alone).
ONE
Wake up 15 minutes earlier and
meditate.
(create
buffer space between stimulus and response all day long)
TWO
TWO
Don’t assume ANYONE knows how you feel
or what you want
(passive
aggressiveness will eventually ruin your life and the lives of those that love
you)
THREE
THREE
Spend 15 minutes of totally “other”
crafted one on one play time.
(If you are a
parent, give each of your children 15 minutes of time where they direct what
you do….they completely direct it.)
FOUR
FOUR
Let it Go
(it just
doesn’t matter, it just doesn’t matter)
FIVE
FIVE
End your day in gratitude
(make a
simple, value based statement of gratitude to those you live with before
they/you go to bed)
Bonus Item
Bonus Item
Use Reflective Listening
(Repeat what
someone is telling you, especially if they are raising their voice or repeating
themselves – that indicates that they really want to be heard and might not
think you’re listening)
ONE
Wake up 15 minutes earlier and
meditate.
(create
buffer space between stimulus and response all day long)
·
Set
your phone alarm for 15 minutes earlier.
·
Don’t
tell anyone else you have this extra time unless you think they’ll find you and
take it away. In which case, prepare
them and protect this 15 minutes like your life and theirs depends on it. After you get in the habit of it, you’ll see
that your life and theirs might actually, really, depend on it!
·
Find
a comfortable place to sit, where you won’t be preoccupied with thoughts like, “ugh,
my back hurts, or it’s hot in here”, etc
·
DO
NOT put this off by saying, “I don’t have a meditation room”, “I’ll start after
I buy a meditation pillow, or meditation beads, or chimes, or a singing bowl”, you
don’t NEED any of that to get at it today!
Please don’t try this one on either “I’m Christian and I’m not
converting to Buddhism” Call it prayer
if you like, just don’t knock it until you try it a few times. Buddhist practice was healing and enlightening
enough to bring me back to my root tradition of Christianity, so please don’t
be afraid of that!
·
I
believe that the starting place for peace and emotional regulation is putting a
pause between stimulus and response, especially if you are tired, stressed out,
or otherwise not operating on all cylinders.
For me, nothing guarantees I have a better chance at buffering my
anger/rage response than whether or not I meditated that morning. NOTHING else works this consistently for me.
·
If
you don’t know how, start simple, just notice your breath. Whenever thoughts pop up and they will – even
for seasoned veteran meditators- just bring your focus back to the breath,
feeling the air entering and leaving your body, one simple breath at a time. You may need a word or mantra, sometimes, I
just think (thanks to Micke Fine) “just
this breath in, just this breath out.”
·
Visit
this blog post to explore ways to meditate… /spiritualspark-asif/2013/01/exploring-meditation.html
TWO
Don’t assume ANYONE knows how you feel
or what you want
(passive
aggressiveness will eventually ruin your life and the lives of those that love
you)
·
It
is our job to connect with where we are emotionally and to be stewards of our
own needs. No one can know what no one
has told them! Make a conscious effort
to know what you need and want before you accuse anyone of NOT intuiting this
for you today. Practice jotting down
what you value most at any given moment and come up with clear requests of
yourself and others to help contribute to that aspect of your life.
·
Nonviolent
communication NVC is the cure for passive aggressiveness (among other
things). For more information on tuning
in with what you value and how this information can improve just about every
aspect of your life, visit cnvc.org, come to a workshop, call me for a
consultation/private lesson, buy Marshall Rosenberg’s book, something to
familiarize yourself with this work.
THREE
Spend 15 minutes of totally “other”
crafted one on one play time.
(If you are a
parent, give each of your children 15 minutes of time where they direct what
you do….they completely direct it.)
·
Let
them choose without your brilliant ideas.
·
Even
if they inspire the best idea you’ve ever thought of, keep it to yourself and
do exactly what they want (without crossing any of your personal boundaries of
course ;-).
·
If
they are under 3 and/or not use to this, they may need you to help them learn
to pretend. Until I taught preschool for
a while I thought we were born with this ability. You might need to model this type of
creativity for a while until they catch on and take off with it.
·
Even
if they choose sitting through your least favorite activity or goofiest, most
annoying tv program you’ve ever seen OR playing with a screeching, beeping, blinky-eyed
furrball battery operated demon you’ve already hidden the batteries for, power
it back up and oblige your child’s indulgences.
Your eyes will eventually stop twitching and your fingernails will
eventually uncurl.
·
I
bet, at least in their minds, they’ve endured worse to adhere to our demands and
their teachers’ demands at some point earlier in the day.
·
This
may be the only time all day long they’ve had total control over their
schedule.
FOUR
Let it Go
(it just
doesn’t matter, it just doesn’t matter)
·
Also
referred to as “picking your battles.”
·
Find
moments today where you can let some things go.
Don’t buy into “give them an inch and they’ll take a mile.” Believe for a moment that we are all doing
the best we can with what we have and that compassion and respect are in our
nature. Believe for a bit that when we
model these, we are more likely to see more of it in our children and in the
world.
·
Have
you ever really been made more respectful and compassionate by being bullied or
forced into doing something? Or have
your compassionate and respectful responses to the world been inspired by
someone else giving you room to choose these? In other words, let go of some
control to let these responses bubble up because you didn’t have to control the
situation.
·
In
parenting, we want our children to be responsible for themselves someday. We need to give them room for practice that
as much as they can. Try not to
sacrifice their space to test their abilities out so that you can zip through
all of your responsibilities with more ease, cooperation, and predictability.
FIVE
End your day in gratitude
(make a
simple, value based statement of gratitude to those you live with before
they/you go to bed)
·
Refer
to the NVC needs list to make statements of how others contributed to your life
today. For instance, “thanks for going
to work today so that we have predictable income to support our need for food
and shelter”, “thanks for looking away from your phone and into my eyes when I
started asking you about what homework you have today. I really value being heard.”
·
Trust
me that a simple “thanks”, or “you’re a good kid” leaves way too much to the
imagination. Depending on other’s
filters of reality these can sound sarcastic, or just not clear enough for
someone that might like to repeat what they did that you think was so great. For instance, at times, kids translate these
into “was I really good today? If she
knew what I thought or said earlier, she’d really know I’m not a good kid..”
·
When
you make the statements about the needs and you completely strip out the
judgment language, it keeps each of us from interpreting them differently. This takes some practice and the nonviolent
communication process is a great way to get use to this.
Bonus
Item
Use Reflective Listening
(Repeat what
someone is telling you, especially if they are raising their voice or repeating
themselves – that indicates that they really want to be heard and might not
think you’re listening)
·
When
you say “I hear you saying that ……………….(repeat exactly what they said)”, you
are NOT agreeing with them. You are
proving that you are hearing what they are saying. This can open the door for clarification and
connection.
·
If
your child is yelling “mommy, they sky is falling, the sky is falling”, you can
immediately say, “I hear you saying ‘the sky is falling’.” Then see what comes next.
·
When
a person is repeating or raising their voice, it is likely that ignoring them
will make them more agitated, arguing with what they are saying first will keep
them from feeling that you connected with what they are saying or move you
further away from connecting with what is underneath their opening
statement.
·
Once
you get more familiar with our shared needs in the nonviolent communication
process, you will find that many times we are arguing over and fighting for the
very same values.
·
When
we slam on the brakes before we truly hear someone, we may feel in control of
the situation, but that control stance is only determining that disconnection
and separation are all that is possible in that moment.
None of these 6 suggestions represent
an original thought of mine. These are
reminders from the various books I’ve read and workshops I’ve attended and
hours of talking to other parents, etc. that work for me when I remember. My sometimes harsh reflection or explanation
are a light-hearted way to challenge myself to just stick with this list and seriously
try to do them every day.
Some
of the resources for this list:
Respectful Parents/ Respectful Kids (Sura
Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson)
Nonviolent Communication, A Language
of Life (Marshall Rosenberg, Ph. D)
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen &
Listen So Kids Will Talk (Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish)
The Enneagram of Parenting (Elizabeth
Wagele)
Parenting From the Heart Workshop (I
was a student of Bren Hardt and Susan Wildin, I’m currently co-teaching with
Bren and Susan is about to start one in Clear Lake!)
And a huge thanks to Anne Lamott and Brene Brown for giving me the courage to speak to myself so boldly in a public realm ;-)
Grace in (parent), peace out (to the
child)
Grace in (home), peace out (world)
Brooke
